It's funny how it is, isn't it? We're one of the most evolved species on this planet, and yet some of us are still so clueless in managing our emotions and dealing with interpersonal conflicts.
Conflicts arise from miscommunication, which can be common if there's a lack of feedback between two parties. But sometimes, there could just be too much noise (mostly psychological) in the communication process; that of which, must be sorted out clearly before any positive outcome can be achieved.
Take for example a group mate who participated in the Amazing Science X-Challenge (ASXC) 2012 with me earlier this year. He's intelligent, with a CAP score close to 5.0, yet he keeps forming rebuttals for every statement I make. Here's what happened while we were setting up the exhibit at the Science Centre:
Group mate: Could you help me look through the log book to verify if the information is correct?
Me: Yea sure, but I'm currently busy with this styrofoam box. I need to purchase some black colored wrapping paper to increase its aesthetic appeal. How about you make the trip down to Jurong East Central to get a couple of sheets for me?
Group mate (hesitantly): Ok, but do we really have to do it? And if we have to, I'm not so sure about what to buy. Could you do it instead?
Me (assertively): We just need a couple of sheets of black paper from a book store, I'm sure you can handle that. Besides, I've got only an hour to verify the data you've logged in this logbook.
He agrees (with great hesitance) and walks out of the exhibit hall, while I continue to check his math. Throughout the entire hour, I found countless spelling errors and calculation errors that made me so infuriated. In addition to the mistakes, he kept calling to update me on his every move - I received a total of 12 calls in 60 minutes!
In the end, he returned empty-handed and I was forced to deal with it on my own. I was frustrated as it had been largely my effort throughout the process of the competition, but I told myself that I had to deal with it. Just then, I thought of six favorite pizza flavors that I savor within a time period of six seconds. After which, I spoke to him calmly and told him that I'll handle the rest from here and that he should probably head home soon since the time allocated for setting up our exhibits was up. At that moment, I told myself that once this competition is over, I'd speak to him and do a cross-evaluation on our working styles to see how we could have worked better together.
But here's the thing, anger will never get you anywhere. Anger only leads to more anger which will probably lead to more pain. Just remember, our neurotransmitters get recycled every 6 seconds - they get produced and are reabsorbed after 6 seconds; so just keep your mind occupied by reframing! Think of six things that would make you happy and just distract yourself for that 6 seconds - you'll do fine. The pizza flavors helped a lot.
How would you have settled my resentment? Reframing helps, but if you had another approach, do share it with me!
Anyway, remember the good old times when you resolved your childhood conflicts with a game of Ro-sham-bo? Here's a classic example on how to resolve a conflict! The video is good till 2:13, you may skip the rest unless you've subscribed to him!
Hi,I have encountered this kind of problems before and even some of my friends also complained the similar thing to me in the past. I once wondered why so many people are having the same interpersonal problem and why the people who are the conflict triggers can not be more responsible for their work.However, I did not find the answer and I used to compromise all the time, resulting more loads on my own shoulder,doing what they were not willing to do,and also,complaining only in my heart making myself feel less motivated. Nevertheless, I still got to get the work done. But after reading your blog, I suddenly realized that I could have made myself more peaceful and forgiving, which would surely made me feel much better. Anyway, I appreciate your way of comforting yourself and I think I learnt something from that.
ReplyDeleteI guess a high cap score does not necessarily mean good communication skills, sensitivity or EQ to the other human beings. The latter are all learned skills which is why the modern man, compared to the Neanderthal, resolves his conflicts through sensible discussion and conflict-resolution methods. But yes there are still those who haven't evolved from their prehistoric tendencies:))
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